Decisions in Paradise

By Iza Feyeux

“So what do you think of our trip so far, baby?” sweet Peter asks with a warm, boozy smile.

I don’t know whether it was the wine, the comfort of a real bed, or the calming effect of the waves crashing on the shore, but out I blurted, “I gotta tell you. I’m kind of miserable.”

I immediately wanted to retract my statement and rephrase it as I saw Peter almost lose his quesadilla.

“NO, no, that’s not what I meant!” I clumsily explained my love for our grand adventure, all the beautiful places we have seen so far, how close to each other I felt we were getting etc. I stumbled through my words as I usually do before I figured out what I actually felt or meant to say. I didn’t even know I was miserable until I said it!

Our mission is still something I hold near and dear, I just thought I would have more energy and freedom to do yoga, read & write and dive into new things that I’ve been waiting forever to have the time for.

I didn’t have time? How is that possible? Impossible…but true.

I couldn’t quite put my finger on it and certainly did not want to admit it, but the romance of the big American road trip was lost on me.

Unpacking, setting up, schlepping and re-packing over and over was getting old real fast.

Sleeping in a tent is terrifying, especially for a girl afraid of everything.

We still have too much shit.

The vulnerability of the thin nylon sheath of a tent wall keeps me up all night.

The thought of lurking late-night beasts within arms reach is unbearable.

Waking up covered soaked in condensation is a whole new definition of dewy skin that is just not working for me.

Our backs are constantly killing us.

THAT-GOD-DAMNED-ROCKET-BOX is going to get the best of us if we don’t change something soon. Sometimes it has the exact same stuff in it as always but it just won’t close. It was meant for the things we don’t need all the time, but it turns out, with the limited amount of things we have, we need everything all the time.

I was hoping to grow and conquer some fears but after just a few weeks, I decided that it was just way to uncomfortable for me, when everything else around is is constantly changing, I craved something just a little more stable. We were both getting irritable and we don’t get like that often with each other. Un-rested, wicked achey, anxious and stressed. How did we not see it before?

I was relieved I finally said something. Turn’s out Peter felt the same way. We both have this thing where when we plan something, we have to go through with it. For instance, when we have a steady routine and then fall off the bandwagon, we feel like failures when we can’t come through for ourselves. It was a moment of self-realization for sure. It was out on the table and there was no avoiding it.

Tent life is not going to work.

We did say before we left Seattle, that if it wasn’t for us we would roll with the punches and figure something else out. So, we came to a few conclusions:

  1. From now on, we will try our best to stay in one place for longer – yah know, really enjoy it.
  2. To remind ourselves that we can’t do everything and that it’s okay
  3. The wanderküche probably has to go

Thank god for paradise helping us figure out what’s next. Do you have those kinds of friends that unselfishly want everything good for you and will do anything to help you get there? Well, we do. Our amazing friends Elizabeth and Wesley Meeker are the most generous, loving, caring friends we could ask for. Without them, these next few steps would not be possible.

Well, here goes nothing… and everything. #tentlife → #vanlife

1 comment

  1. Comment by Elizabeth

    Elizabeth Reply 09.14.2017 at 2:53 am

    Awwwwww, Love you both! Can’t wait to start our van project!

    PS – we miss you.

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